Month: July 2023

Parenting Principles Part 2: The Best Way to Get Your Kids to Listen

Do you ever feel like everything you say is just noise to your kids?

Or do you often wonder, “Why don’t they listen to me?”

Today, I hope to help you solve the problem of kids who don’t listen to what you say.

If you have been following, you know that this is the second in a series of posts outlining some principles of parenting that I hope will be an encouragement to you.  (If you missed the first one, it can be found here.)

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, and I haven’t always done everything right when it comes to my kids, but I DO have 30 years of experience as a parent, and so far all my kids have launched successfully.  So in light of that, I decided to share some of my best parenting advice.

I think that getting your kids to listen is one of the most important things you can do as a parent.  Not only do you have lots of wisdom to impart (yes! you do!), listening well can help your child avoid dangerous situations.  Just imagine your child running toward a busy road.  You NEED to be able to call their name and have them IMMEDIATELY stop and listen.  

Less dire, but just as important, your child needs to believe that you are trustworthy.  

Which brings me to today’s principle:

PARENTING PRINCIPLE #2: SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.

I know it seems simplistic, but this parenting principle is the absolute best way to raise kids who listen to you.  And although it’s a simple concept, I’m the first to admit that it’s not easy.

As a parent, you have to always be on your game.  In order to say what you mean and mean what you say, there are a few steps you must take.

1.  Be very clear with your expectations and the consequences of not listening.

For instance, if you are in Target, and your child runs ahead of you and gets out of your field of vision (a definite safety issue), you can stop and get down on their level and look them in the eye and say, “You need to stay right here by mommy.  If you don’t stay by me, you will need to ride in the cart.”  

Now you have told your child very clearly what the expectation is (staying right next to mommy) and what the consequence will be of not meeting that expectation (riding in the cart).  

2.  Be very, very careful what you say, because once you have said it, you must follow through. 

Anytime you tell your child that you are going to do something (or not do something), you have effectively made them a promise, and they need to know that you are going to keep that promise.

Continuing our Target scenario, once you have given them the expectation and the consequence, be prepared to follow through.  When your child moves away from you, you should immediately, and without emotion or reminding, pick them up and put them in the cart.  Strap them in if you need to, and steel yourself, because they will not like the fact that you are giving them the consqence you promised.

Now, a couple of points here.  

First, you need to know that your child will test your resolve, and they may do so multiple times before they believe what you say.  Be ready!

Second, they will also test how far they can push the limits of your expectations.  They may start by just moving one step away from you.  BEWARE!!  If you don’t consider this an act of disobedience, they will push further and further.  One step is still not following expectations.  You have said it, so you must do what you said.

Third, please notice that the consequence matched the infraction.  Riding in the cart is the natural result of not staying next to you.  Taking away screen time later in the day, as an example, is not related to what happened and won’t have the same effect.

Fourth, I need to quickly address the idea of “counting”.  I know many parents who, when their kids test the limits, count to three before implementing the consequences.  I have to tell you, I’m not a fan.  Really, this just tells your child that they have three extra seconds before they need to do what you asked them to do.  Think back to our running toward the road scenario: three seconds could change everything.  Please, don’t take the risk.  

And the last point: take the time to calmly explain to your child that they are facing the consequence of their own choice.  You told them clearly what you expected of them; they chose not to meet that expectation.  You told them clearly what the consequence would be, and the fact that they now must sit in the cart for the duration of your time at Target was their own choice.  My advice would be to do it right then and there, even while they cry and/or scream.  Keep calm, and don’t buy in to the emotion of the moment.

You see what I mean when I say it’s not easy?  It’s downright hard. 

A couple more steps:

3.  When it’s all said and done, and you are in a quiet moment with your child, go back over what happened.

Snuggle your child close, and gently remind them.  “Remember when we were in Target today, and mommy told you that you needed to stay close or else you would need to ride in the cart?  And remember that you didn’t do what mommy said?  And remember that you had to ride in the cart for the rest of the time in Target because you didn’t stay by mommy? You didn’t like that very much, did you?  Precious, mommy loves you, and mommy needs you to listen when I tell you something.  When I tell you something, if you choose not to do it, you will need to have the consequence.”

4.  Try again next time the situation comes up.

Next time you go to Target, before you get out of the car, talk about it with them one more time.  “Sweetheart, do you remember what happened last time?  Why did you have to ride in the cart?  Let’s try again today.  Please stay right next to mommy while we are in Target.  If you can’t stay right next to me, you will need to ride in the cart.  Do you understand?”

Don’t be surprised if it takes multiple trips to Target for your child to believe that you mean what you say.  And when that day comes, you will be much closer to having a child who listens.

I know this post has gotten long, but I want to give you one more bonus point:

5.  If you are married or co-parenting, make sure you are both on the same page.

One of the best things you can do for your child is to be united in your parenting.  Make an agreement: if one of you says something, the other will back it up, every time.  A direction from one parent is a direction from both of you.

I have to tell you, you are both going to make mistakes.  You will say things that later you realize were not important, and you may even realize you asked something of your child that wasn’t necessary.  But once it’s been said, it has to be followed through, by both parents.  

Later, when the child is in bed, talk about what happened.  You may say to your spouse, “That thing you said, I didn’t think that was important.  Let’s decide what we’re going to do if we are in that situation again.”  Or he may say, “I didn’t agree with you at all when you said X to the child.  I backed you up so that he would know we meant what we said, but let’s not make that an issue next time.”  Parenting is hard, and it’s made even harder if you aren’t both in agreement, at least in front of the child.  Hash out the details later.  

Phew, that was a lot to digest.  I hope what I’ve said is a help and encouragement to you.  Please leave a comment and let me know if this post was beneficial.

Blessings, Mindy

Parenting Principles Part 1

Recently, a friend posted on Facebook: “Help!  How do you parent a strong-willed child without losing your mind?”

I have to admit that I chuckled when I read that, because I remember all too well the challenges of being the mom of a little person who tested me at every turn.

And it occurred to me that, having navigated that particular challenge as well as many others, I might be in a position to give some advice.

I did give my friend a few principles that I believe are important, and then I spent some time thinking about writing a series of posts that address some of the things I’ve learned over my 30 years of being a mom.

I was reluctant to put myself out there in this way, because I am not a perfect parent.  I haven’t always done things well, and my children haven’t always made the choices I would have wanted them to make.

But I realized that my shortcomings might be the very reason I am qualified to help others.  We all learn from our mistakes, and maybe there are parents out there who can learn from mine.

So I decided to give this a shot.  I hope that I can help a few people, and if what I say doesn’t resonate with you, I’m okay with that.  Take what you can use, and leave what you can’t.  

Today’s post will touch on what I think is the most important overarching parenting principle:

PRINCIPLE #1: PARENT WITH THE END IN MIND

From the moment our children are placed in our arms, we should have one goal in mind: for them to leave us.

I know that sounds terribly harsh, but isn’t it the end goal of parenting for our children to become adults who can go out into the world on their own?  People who can make good decisions, who know how to take care of themselves, who understand how to treat others with respect and dignity?

These aren’t things we can teach at the very end and hope they stick.  They must be part of everything we do as parents from the very beginning.

I remember when I took my oldest son to college.  We got him all moved into his dorm (spoiler: take way less than you think you’ll need!) and then I gave him a big hug and a high five and I walked away.

But as I made my way through the halls of that dorm, I saw multiple moms clinging to their sons and weeping, unwilling to say goodbye.

I had a moment of soul searching: what kind of heartless, uncaring mom must I be to be able to just walk away?  I hadn’t shed a single tear; in fact, I was smiling as I went to my car.  

And then I realized that the reason I was able to walk away with joy was because THIS WAS WHAT I HAD RAISED HIM FOR ALL ALONG.  The fact that he was ready, that I could trust him to do the right thing, was the culmination of all my parenting over the past 18 years.  

Sure, I would miss having him around the house.  I knew I wouldn’t get to talk to him nearly as often.  I knew he would make new friends and find a new church and he wouldn’t need me as much.  And that was exactly what I wanted for him!

Mamas, I know you are in the trenches right now.  I know you are just trying to get through your day without either you or your child losing your cool.  You want and need advice for TODAY, how to deal with your toddler throwing things, or your school-age child refusing to do his work at school, or your teenager sneaking out at night.

And in the next few weeks I promise to address all those day-to-day issues you are dealing with.

But in each and every situation, I want you to keep the end goal in mind.  You are endeavoring to raise wonderful, decent adults who can venture out on their own without you.

Let me leave you with a practical example of parenting with the end in mind.

Let’s say you are in the grocery store and your child spots candy at the checkout, and he begins to melt down as a way to convince you to give him that candy.  When you tell him no, because you know he hasn’t had anything decent to eat yet, and because the way he is asking is unacceptable, his meltdown turns into a full-blown tantrum.

Before you make any decisions, stop and think: what would be the solution that produces the best long-term result?

Believe me, I understand that the easiest short-term solution is to just give him the candy.  The other people in the store are starting to stare, and some are even making snide comments; your child is getting louder and you are embarrassed.  I’ve been there!!

But giving in to his tantrum does not help him in the long run.  It teaches him exactly the wrong things: that if he screams loudly enough, he’ll get what he wants; that you can be manipulated; and that the opinions of others are what should drive decision making.

If you are playing the long game, however, you will not give in.  You will ignore the other people in the store, you will stay calm, and you will stick to your guns.  You may even need to abandon your grocery cart and carry your screaming child to the car and decide to finish your shopping another day.

And now you have taught him the lessons he needs for the future: you can’t always have everything you want; there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to ask for things; and you are the parent, and you have the right to say no, regardless of what anyone says or thinks.  

Parenting with the end in mind is the harder choice.  It means you need to develop a thick skin and steel yourself for the many battles ahead. (By the way, not every battle is one that needs to be fought; look for that principle in a later post.)

But if you want to raise your children to someday launch from you as wonderful, self-sufficient adults, you will parent for the long term and not do what’s easiest in the short term.

I hope this has helped you, and that you are encouraged.  Please comment to let me know if this has resonated with you, and I would love it if you would share this post with your friends.  See you next week for another parenting principle.

Blessings, Mindy