Parenting Principles Part 1

Recently, a friend posted on Facebook: “Help!  How do you parent a strong-willed child without losing your mind?”

I have to admit that I chuckled when I read that, because I remember all too well the challenges of being the mom of a little person who tested me at every turn.

And it occurred to me that, having navigated that particular challenge as well as many others, I might be in a position to give some advice.

I did give my friend a few principles that I believe are important, and then I spent some time thinking about writing a series of posts that address some of the things I’ve learned over my 30 years of being a mom.

I was reluctant to put myself out there in this way, because I am not a perfect parent.  I haven’t always done things well, and my children haven’t always made the choices I would have wanted them to make.

But I realized that my shortcomings might be the very reason I am qualified to help others.  We all learn from our mistakes, and maybe there are parents out there who can learn from mine.

So I decided to give this a shot.  I hope that I can help a few people, and if what I say doesn’t resonate with you, I’m okay with that.  Take what you can use, and leave what you can’t.  

Today’s post will touch on what I think is the most important overarching parenting principle:

PRINCIPLE #1: PARENT WITH THE END IN MIND

From the moment our children are placed in our arms, we should have one goal in mind: for them to leave us.

I know that sounds terribly harsh, but isn’t it the end goal of parenting for our children to become adults who can go out into the world on their own?  People who can make good decisions, who know how to take care of themselves, who understand how to treat others with respect and dignity?

These aren’t things we can teach at the very end and hope they stick.  They must be part of everything we do as parents from the very beginning.

I remember when I took my oldest son to college.  We got him all moved into his dorm (spoiler: take way less than you think you’ll need!) and then I gave him a big hug and a high five and I walked away.

But as I made my way through the halls of that dorm, I saw multiple moms clinging to their sons and weeping, unwilling to say goodbye.

I had a moment of soul searching: what kind of heartless, uncaring mom must I be to be able to just walk away?  I hadn’t shed a single tear; in fact, I was smiling as I went to my car.  

And then I realized that the reason I was able to walk away with joy was because THIS WAS WHAT I HAD RAISED HIM FOR ALL ALONG.  The fact that he was ready, that I could trust him to do the right thing, was the culmination of all my parenting over the past 18 years.  

Sure, I would miss having him around the house.  I knew I wouldn’t get to talk to him nearly as often.  I knew he would make new friends and find a new church and he wouldn’t need me as much.  And that was exactly what I wanted for him!

Mamas, I know you are in the trenches right now.  I know you are just trying to get through your day without either you or your child losing your cool.  You want and need advice for TODAY, how to deal with your toddler throwing things, or your school-age child refusing to do his work at school, or your teenager sneaking out at night.

And in the next few weeks I promise to address all those day-to-day issues you are dealing with.

But in each and every situation, I want you to keep the end goal in mind.  You are endeavoring to raise wonderful, decent adults who can venture out on their own without you.

Let me leave you with a practical example of parenting with the end in mind.

Let’s say you are in the grocery store and your child spots candy at the checkout, and he begins to melt down as a way to convince you to give him that candy.  When you tell him no, because you know he hasn’t had anything decent to eat yet, and because the way he is asking is unacceptable, his meltdown turns into a full-blown tantrum.

Before you make any decisions, stop and think: what would be the solution that produces the best long-term result?

Believe me, I understand that the easiest short-term solution is to just give him the candy.  The other people in the store are starting to stare, and some are even making snide comments; your child is getting louder and you are embarrassed.  I’ve been there!!

But giving in to his tantrum does not help him in the long run.  It teaches him exactly the wrong things: that if he screams loudly enough, he’ll get what he wants; that you can be manipulated; and that the opinions of others are what should drive decision making.

If you are playing the long game, however, you will not give in.  You will ignore the other people in the store, you will stay calm, and you will stick to your guns.  You may even need to abandon your grocery cart and carry your screaming child to the car and decide to finish your shopping another day.

And now you have taught him the lessons he needs for the future: you can’t always have everything you want; there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to ask for things; and you are the parent, and you have the right to say no, regardless of what anyone says or thinks.  

Parenting with the end in mind is the harder choice.  It means you need to develop a thick skin and steel yourself for the many battles ahead. (By the way, not every battle is one that needs to be fought; look for that principle in a later post.)

But if you want to raise your children to someday launch from you as wonderful, self-sufficient adults, you will parent for the long term and not do what’s easiest in the short term.

I hope this has helped you, and that you are encouraged.  Please comment to let me know if this has resonated with you, and I would love it if you would share this post with your friends.  See you next week for another parenting principle.

Blessings, Mindy